Broken Koans and other Zen debris
Linked from ACX
davidchess.com · clipped 2026-05-24
Preview clipped from the web into my Obsidian — read the full piece at the source.
Three people were walking on the road, and they saw a man standing on a hill.
“I wonder what that man is doing,” one of them said, “perhaps he is waiting for someone.”
“I’ll bet he’s looking for a cow that has strayed,” said another.
“Or perhaps he is just enjoying the breeze,” said the third.
So the three people went up the hill to the man, to find out.
“We’re just curious,” they said, “are you waiting for someone? Or are you perhaps looking for a cow that has strayed? Or are you just enjoying the breeze?”
“None of those,” said the man. “Actually I was taking a leak in the bushes.”
Hui Neng once approached a student who was sitting in meditation. “Why do you spend so much time sitting?” he asked. “Because I want to become a Buddha,” the student replied.
At this, Hui Neng picked up a brick tile from the floor, and began rubbing it with his robe. “Why are you doing that?” asked the student. “Because I want to make a mirror,” Hui Neng replied.
“But Master,” said the student, “no amount of — oh, wait, I get it! Very funny, very funny.”
So this policeman hears something moving around in the dark, and he goes over and there’s this guy on his hands and knees on the darkest part of the sidewalk, peering around.
“What’s the matter?” says the policeman.
“I can’t find my keys,” says the guy.
“Is this where you dropped them?” asks the policeman.
“No,” says the guy, “I dropped them back there”, and he gestures back at the lighted circle under the last streetlamp.
“Then why are you looking here??” says the policeman.
And the guy says “Mu!”
Pupil: Why did the Bodhidharma come from India to China?
Master: I have no idea. Why do people always ask me that?
Pupil (concerned): Master! How did you get the bruise on your forehead?
Master (laughing): Turning too quickly, I hit my own head!
Pupil: Yeah, I hate when that happens.
Shuzan held out his short staff and said, “If you call this a short staff, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a short staff, you ignore the fact. Now what do you wish to call this?” Eating his rice, one monk said to the other, “He’s always saying stuff like that.”
Zen is like a finger pointing at the Moon; once you’ve seen the Moon, there is no longer any need for the finger. Unless you have to scratch yourself or something.
A monk asked Joshu: “Has a dog Buddha-nature or not?” Joshu answered: “Moo.”
A monk told Joshu: “I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me.” Joshu asked: “Have you eaten your rice porridge?” The monk replied: “I have eaten.” Joshu said: “Then you had better wash your bowl,” and the monk replied “Okay.”
A student attempted to write an app to interpret the I Ching, but the app did not work. Approaching the master, the student asked, “Does the PolyLine object have Buddha Nature?” And the master spoke with wisdom of RoundRects and filled regions. The student said: “Now I understand Bresenham’s Algorithm.”
At this, the master unplugged the student’s computer.
Gutei raised his finger whenever he was asked a question about Zen. A boy attendant began to imitate him in this way. When anyone asked the boy what his master had preached about, the boy would raise his finger. Gutei heard about the boy’s mischief. He seized him and cut off his finger. The boy cried and ran away.
What is the sound of two hands clapping?
The Bodhisattvas are great tricksters, Sacrificing their own purity to save all sentient beings. But their words only cloud the glass. Better they had kept their mouths closed.
Mind, body, feelings, and phenomena are empty. Yet undeniably Angelina Jolie is hot. When you can comprehend the emptiness of mind, body, and feeling, and the hotness of Angeline Jolie, Then the ten thousand things will pass through the gate.
Apple-Holding Zen
At a retreat in a mountain monastery run on the principles of shikantaza, one student was particularly sharp in his questioning of the roshi.