@carmenleelau - Self-induced shame is an interesting emotion. Because you

Self-induced shame is an interesting emotion. Because you can’t feel it unless you have some sort of inner evaluator, right? I’ve found that one reason I keep such evaluators around is because it’s comforting—being watched all the time by someone who at least loves/rewards me *some* of the time is preferable to not having anyone who perceives, acknowledges, or loves me any of the time. Assuming that having unconditionally loving evaluators are out of the question (a tenuous assumption, but if you grew up in less than optimal conditions this feels true), we accept conditionally loving evaluators (usually modeled after our parents) who affirm us based on how well we are playing moral hopscotch. It does not matter if it’s a version of hopscotch no one else knows the rules of, or if presented to broader society people even outright disagree these are the rules of hopscotch one should play by, because that was the hopscotch you played at home with the people you wished, more than anything in the world as a child, to love you. These conditionally loving evaluators use shame as indicators for how well we are fulfilling the conditions for acceptance. Shame is just a signal in this system. If you’re feeling more of it, alarms are sounding and you better shape up before you’re banished to the void by everyone you love. If you’re feeling less of it, hmm okay you’re off the hook for now…but we’re watching you and next time when, and it’s when, not if—you eventually slip up, we will catch you! A great antidote is tipping it all the way into positive self-regard and self-compassion. Metta/loving-kindness can be great for this, either doing just metta or using metta as a concentration object to enter the jhanas. This dissolves the (mostly legacy) attentional structures formed to maximize receiving acceptance, which is as close to the root as you can get. But just being aware of the subpar deal you’re continuing to participate in helps. You can’t terminate a deal you never knew you made in the first place, and it’s possible to just choose to align yourself with only unconditional/less adversarial/more win-win deals. Especially if your conditions have changed a lot since childhood and you used to be a lot more willing to take bad deals because of scarcity of love, but now you’re more resourced and wise with genuine friends who would not judge you the way your inner evaluators do. If this is the case, it’s more compelling to make the switch instantly, since it’s a long overdue update and the new beliefs have tangible conditions backing them up. It’s not unlike the eureka moment people who used to be in abusive relationships have when they realize: “wait, my friends were right, I really *do* deserve better! Why did I put up with that for so long?” And then the outpouring of grief and compassion for their younger selves, who genuinely wanted love even if it was laced with pain, because at least it was love.